Dear Red States:

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 % of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 % of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 % of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 % of America’s quality wines, 90 % of all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 % of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 % of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 % of the tornadoes, 90 % of the hurricanes, 99 % of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 % of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 % of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 % believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 % say that evolution is only a theory, 53 % that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 % of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

This was just TOO good not to share! However, I have to be careful who I share it with. I wanted to send it to my 4 best college girlfriends who all lean left (and are from Vermont, New York, Mass and Connecticut)… but they all live in RED states right now! I guess that is what I get for going to school in North Carolina. I was the only sensible one of my friends who fell in love with a Northerner. Not that some states are better than others… oh wait… yeah, they totally are. I’m sure they would think most of this was funny, but when you bring someones home into it… they tend to get defensive. I should know, being the only one from MN my year in college…

“WHAT?? No! I don’t live in a corn field – Minneapolis is a lively city briming with culture and fun – we have the pedal pub AND, we have well over 10,000 Lakes.”


3 responses »

  1. Kirsey says:

    Jess, that was amazing, I thought you had pulled all of those facts out of your ass and I was VERY proud!

  2. leDeb says:

    Ahahahaaha! This letter is excellent. Also…the PEDAL PUB!?! Done. This is amazing. I’m coming back to MN this spring just to take a tour.

  3. Cyndi Forsberg says:

    Hilarious but true!!! Let’s do it! Oh. and they can have Alaska too! funny they didn’t think of that. Canada can just suck the oil out from under them sort of like in There Will Be Blood.

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