I’m moving into my new apartment in Madison this week (pause for a brief woo-hoo dance!), and even though I have watched very little TV in the last year (and also, you know, HAVE NO MONEY) I am tempted to get cable. I should NEVER be allowed to get cable. Here’s why:
1. Long distance sports. If it takes more than an hour to finish, I want to watch it. Seriously. Marathons. Triathlons. Cycling tours. The Iditarod…not even joking. I used to set my alarm for 3 am and watch the 15,000 meter swim during the Olympics. I will watch just about any endurance sport– call it the nostalgic masochist in me, but I just love seeing people push themselves to the outer limit of what a human body can do. In some ways, it’s really motivating– don’t want to do that extra set of crunches? WHY THE HELL NOT? There are people who RUN 26.2 MILES. DO the freakin’ crunches.
In other ways, however… it is a monumental time-suck. My love for the Tour de France, documented in excruciating-to-everyone-else detail on my other blog, proves the point: I dare you to try to read my whole EPIC RECAP of The 96th Tour de France. Posts like this happen once or twice a year, but if I had cable, no one would ever be able to have a conversation with me that was not cycling-related. EVER. And since I have trouble relating to the normal population anyway, I think we can all agree that this would be a bad thing.
2.Food TV. Oh man. The amount of time I could spend watching Rachael Ray, America’s Test Kitchen, Anthony Bourdain… it’s a problem. Plus, it always makes me hungry. Again, food TV, especially the do-it-yourself kind, can be really awesome. I think a lot of my confidence in the kitchen comes from watching how things are done on TV and thinking, Well, shit, I can do that! But the problem is that then I DO. And it’s good. AND I LIVE ALONE, SO I EAT ALL OF IT. Best to just let Food Network be a magical place I visit when I stay with my family for holidays, when it’s no-holds-barred on the celebratory eating anyway.
3. And speaking of no-holds-barred, another reason I should not be allowed to have cable: Cagefighting. Yeah, you read that right. Cagefighting. I often watch it on mute. Why? Because I don’t give a shit about the “strategy” involved, or who these dudes are, or how many titles they’ve won. I just want to see people beat the everloving crap out of each other– no gloves, no headgear, no protective padding of any kind. It can be annoying when a fight is spent almost entirely on the mat, with the two dudes grappling and trying to cut off each other’s airways– prefer a good, vicious, upright welter of hooks and roundhouse kicks– but really, all I’m waiting for is blood. Aside from the glorious sound of fists and feet slamming into flesh– if only they made a selective mute button that turned off the commentators and the audience and just let me listen to that!– my favorite part of the whole thing is the fact that the match doesn’t stop for blood. No one calls a time out, and no one comes to clean the mat off with an alcohol soaked rag. They just let it get EVERYWHERE. It’s fucking awesome.
And I should never be able to watch it any time I feel like it…because the TV would never turn off.