You all know I have an unholy love for Twilight and all things Twilight-related, since I have managed to write not one, not two, but five different posts on the subject. But you may not know about my zeal for the Olympics: I will watch them till my eyes bleed. Seriously– every goddamn sport, all hours of the day or night (I have set alarms for 3:30 AM to see the real-time air of rowing events. NO JOKE.) I admit that I prefer the summer Olympics for the generally higher Naked Quotient, but full-body spandex is arguably hotter in an it’s-covered-but-not kind of way. And I defy anyone to look at a speed skater’s ass and care whether there’s more or less spandex on it.
I’m already all keyed up for various fave events (basically: figure skating can bite it; long-distance anything is a lock), and am scheduling my life around the 16-bajillion meter speed skating events and anything involving Shaun White.* But this year, this Games… this is special. This is important. Because not only will I get to watch some of the finest athletes in the world do things humans shouldn’t be capable of while wearing very tight clothing, but the whole shebang is going down where Twilight was filmed.
It’s not like I was anticipating the visual merge of two of my favorite things on the planet–I mean, I know Twilight was filmed largely in and around BC, and I knew the 2010 games were going to be in Vancouver. But I didn’t expect the Whistler Olympic Park to look exactly fucking like the opening Phoenix–>’Forks’ shot from the movie:
And these aren’t even the best photo analogs, either; just best ones I could find on the internet after .2 seconds of searching. You’d think one ski course would look much like another, since a crapton of international course regulations need to be met when an Olympic venue is built, but I was watching some training runs at the gym whilst on the elliptical the other night, and a particular shot of the moguls course in the midst of heavy fog made me do a double-take: “Holy shit,” I said out loud (Oh yeah. People looked at me), “that’s frickin’ Forks!”
Now my constant, macabre fascination with the idea that at any moment, a speed skater could spin out and slice another competitor to ribbons with the cruel blades of their skates, staining the ice like strawberry Jell-O…now, this seems particularly relevant. Vancouver Olympics? More like Vampire Olympics. Does anyone know what an aneurysm feels like? CAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE I’M HAVING ONE RIGHT NOW.
*I’ve have such a fondness for this kid over the past decade. He’s frickin’ adorable, and so obviously light years ahead in terms of precise, clean runs– it’s such a pleasure to watch him trounce the messy, potheaded contenders who don’t take the goddamn Olympics seriously. Though I get the feeling he’s upped the ante enough over the past couple Games for people to bring it. If he does some kind of 1260 McTwist sitch this time around I might embarrass myself by screaming at the TV at the gym. In fact, I guarantee that happens at some point over the next couple weeks. GUARANTEE IT.